007 Goes Woke
With reports that James Bond is bowing to political correctness for his 25th outing, next year’s No Time to Die, Nick Ferrari turns screenwriter to imagine how a 007 flick for 'Generation Z' could play out
By Nick Ferrari
September 23 2019
ON A GENDER-NEUTRAL MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE
1. EXTERIOR, LUXURY HOTEL, NIGHT Supercars idle outside a stunning hotel in an exotic Far East location. The impeccably clad doormen watch Bond arrive in a Renault Twizy.
I say, do you happen to know where the nearest charging point is for this car, or do you have any spare AA batteries?
The charging point is by the tram station. Just go through the underpass, over the river to the railway lines, and you’ll find it. It’s about an hour away.
2. EXT., BARREN ROAD, NIGHT
Bond pushes his car down the hill.
3. EXT., LUXURY HOTEL, NIGHT
Bond returns, unkempt and breathless. He hands his hired bicycle to the doorman, removes his bicycle clips, and strides into reception
4. INTERIOR, LUXURY HOTEL,
Good evening, Sir.
Who said you could call me Sir? Kindly respect that I’m non-binary just now and identify as a woman.
Of course, apologies Sir. Err, Madam. Err, person? What sort of room do you require?
If it has a non-gendered toilet, LED lighting, hemp bed linen, and I can vape, it should be fine.
5. INT., GLAMOROUS BAR, NIGHT
A scantily clad Russian blonde sits at the bar. She watches Bond intently.
Sustainably farmed cranberry juice, please, with raw-water ice and a free-trade lime twist.
Of course... shaken or stirred?
Neither. I practice thought-action fusion, Buddhist chanting, and Bikram yoga, so my emotions are under control.
(Laying out bar snacks) A little something to eat?
Are your nuts organic?
I’ve never looked. The Russian blonde approaches Bond.
My name is Ivana. Ivana Gudthyme.
(Raising an eyebrow) Then I have something you need to see. (Reaching inside his jacket, he produces a wad of paperwork) Before we go any further, you need to sign here, here and here, to confirm we mutually agree to respect each other’s space and that I can only take you to supper or put my hand on your knee after our contract has been notarised and you’ve phoned your mother. Or Priest. Also, to avoid upsetting you in any future conversations, please indicate whether you voted Leave or Remain. And do you regularly recycle?
Is this really necessary?
Absolutely. Our dying planet is the biggest challenge I’ve faced since being handcuffed to a nuclear device at the US gold bullion vault by a Korean assassin in a Sandringham hat.
(Stifling tears) It certainly is... but our marvellous Human Resources department offers regular group therapy. It teaches us to be non-judgmental, avoid conflict and be supportive of those around us.
5. INT., BOND’S HOTEL ROOM, NIGHT
Bond checks the bedside lamp, behind pictures on walls, and under the phone.
You’re looking for bugging devices?
No. Traces of nuts. Dr No Means No is the most ruthless villain I’ve ever known. He’d use any trick to stop me, including abusing his carbon footprint by launching an armed satellite into outer space. Think of the emissions!He’d have to plant enough trees to cover half of Asia to offset that.
Ivana. Her dress falls to the ground as she stands naked in front of Bond.
We could have such a good time together... You know what I need!
I know you’re freezing, Ivana, but I can’t possibly turn up the thermostat. It’s set at 16 degrees already. I can lend you an Aztec poncho and Peruvian knitted hat to keep you warm, if you like.
That is so insulting!
Forgive me. You’re right. Offering you that clothing is obviously shocking cultural appropriation. I do apologise. It’s almost as bad as when I was hideously disrespectful towards those of small stature by locking Nick-Nack in a suitcase, and hanging him from the mast of a yacht.
Upset, Ivana runs into the bathroom.
The telephone rings.
VOICE ON PHONE
This is for your ears only... SPECTRE has infiltrated the House of Commons. Ernst Stavro Blofeld is now Speaker. Admittedly he’s proving far more popular than the previous bloke, but M wants you back now.
Blofeld, the cunning swine. No offence to pigs, or any faith that has porcine issues, of course. I’m on my way.
VOICE ON PHONE
It’s all arranged. Get the tram to the docks, a hot air balloon across the Straits, and a bike to the train station where a rickshaw will bring you across Europe. Then row across the Channel. See you in three months.
OVER END CREDITS:
James Bond will return in “The Spy Who Loved Me... And Showed It By Respecting Me In The Morning And Calling Me The Next Day, As Promised”