If I Ruled the World - I'll Build & Burn
The delicious appeal of global domination
By William Sitwell
July 5 2023
There are days when the toil gets to me. Words bashed out, wines marketed, seats at my supper club flogged, radio and TV interviews given, Instagram posts posted, nvoices emailed, hens fed, meals prepared, bins put out, tractor mower carburettor drained (because some numpty put in diesel), kitchen surfaces sprayed and wiped and God knows what else, when I pause and wonder. I wonder, What if? What if I, out of the blue, were elevated to greatness? What if I became ruler of the world?
And, I muse, broom in hand, contemplating a pile of dust in the corner, that this is fine. I’ll be quite comfortable with this new role. This is my destiny. I can not only handle the responsibility placed on my shoulders, I shall rise to the challenge magnificently.
If the world deigns that I rule it, then rule it I shall. And boy will there be some rules, and my, we shall rip up others. We shall build and we shall burn.
As I alight at the head of the ruling table, be- throned, lines of men and women with notepads poised will have their heads cocked, silently but with a specific air of: “So, Your Worldly Most Esteemed, Glorious and All-Powerful Highness, what’s it to be? You’ve got a blank page. All yours.”
And thus: On tax we shall respect the theories of the Laffer Curve. We shall create one tax band and nothing else. No non-doms, no off-shore trusts, and no nonsense benefit system neither. It shall pay to work. All of the accountants we put out of jobs will be paid by the state to scrutinise the people’s incomes and their abilities to work.
All refugees will be invited to pick fruit or enter domestic service (with training and decent accommodation scrupulously provided). We will make it worthwhile for mothers to return to work.
All private schools will be abolished, all education will be of the highest standards. We will reward teachers for preparing the next generation.
And we will police with an iron rod. We shall drag knife-wielding thugs to workhouses. We shall take them from their homes, or their schools, or wherever we find them.
Our streets shall be safe. Our justice system will have no mercy. We will not suffer to house those who murder and pervert. Your houses and your possessions will be safe.
You need not lock your doors – because the terror of hideous, foul, deathly and inevitable punishment will prevent most from committing crime.
No one shall leave school until they can read and write, unless proved they really cannot. Then they shall become craftspeople, of wood or of food.
And you can identify as any gender, or indeed species of mushroom, that you wish. But you must take with you your own lavatorial facilities, thereby avoiding any offence or uncomfortable arguments in hospitality venues.
We shall identify and we shall fill potholes and (sometimes ruling by jumping from one subject to another) we shall eliminate the evil and the tiresome.
So out go murderous despots. And curtain- twitching, politically correct, champagne-swilling socialist kill-joys. Annihilation is their destiny. Further specific criteria are available from the World Ruler on request.
The young shall be forced to read newspapers. On newspaper. And books. Using actual books printed on paper. And the number of TV channels shall be restricted to 250. Or ten. Not quite sure about that one.
Young people will be made to experience National Service, for six months, and be forced to attend wine tastings. And learn to cook.
We shall build more swimming pools, we shall clean our rivers, no one must enter a subway without having washed and used deodorant, wives must floss and tidy their bedrooms, children must put away their toys and not have toys at the table.
Oh, but what a burden it becomes to rule. When things go wrong. When injustice presents itself. When one’s conservative instincts are belittled by one’s liberal intellect. Every leader eviscerated by the press and social media in such a way that to survive they have no option but to consider it a game and enclose themselves in the prism of power.
Tonight, after I’ve filed copy, exercised and bathed my kids, I’ll nip to the pub with my wife, have a nice glass of wine, and think how lucky it is – for me, and the poor world – that I don’t rule it.